October 10, 2010

An Unusual Post - just tired? Or GAPS related?

It's been a little over two weeks since I posted anything. I have intended to write nearly every day, but I have been getting distracted and carried away by other things.

I can't sleep. I'm tired and I want to sleep, but I don't sleep well and I ache through the night, so I don't want to go to bed. I am easily irritated a lot lately and I really love the quiet in the house when everyone is sleeping. I miss feeling good and happy.

I am not unhappy or depressed. I am just feeling like I want to be alone, like I want to be left alone. I don't want to be bothered with all of the unexpected things that happen in a day. This is not right, because that's life. Life IS all of the unexpected things that happen day after day after day. Those unexpected things are what makes life interesting. It's what makes life challenging. It's what makes life fun! Right now I feel like I just want everything to be predictable.

Lately, I have been very contemplative. I have been watching home births on YouTube, not because I intend to have more children, but because I am in awe of the way our bodies work and the power of our thoughts and attitudes over the workings of our body. In labor, things happen and you are not in control, but you have control over how you deal with what is happening to your body. Fear brings pain and very likely complications. Faith, in God, in your body, in the process, brings peace and joy and very likely a quick, smooth, and easy birth. (Not always, I realize, but often.)

All of my children were born naturally without fear and with little pain. All were born in a hospital. Four were with midwives, although one was born just before the midwife arrived. I went through transition without realizing it because I was not afraid. I just dealt with each contraction as it came and suddenly my water broke and I felt the urge to push.

I have been reading other blogs, mostly stories of families dealing with the loss or impending loss of a child. I don't know why I am drawn to read these stories. I cry because, even though I could never really understand their loss, I remember how I felt when we lost our fourth baby, though it was early in our pregnancy. I remember how I grieved the "loss" of our fifth baby (CKS) when he regressed after that insidious vaccine. I remember how I grieved the "loss" of our third child (KES) to the same insidious vaccine given on the same day. I grieve the loss of our ability to be "normal". We are different! We don't fit in.

We would be somewhat normal if we would just eat normal food and go get labels for our children and enroll them in therapy sessions and plan our estate for their future care, but I will not do that. They are healing. Life is hard right now, but there is a great reward. We lost our children, but we have them back and they are getting better and better and better. This diet/protocol is working.

God is good all the time. He allows us to suffer the consequences of our own sin and even the sins of others, but He is there for us to help us through the difficult days. He is there to comfort us when we are hurting. He is there to teach us what we need to know. He uses all of this - everything - for our good, for His glory! We can trust Him in this. We can trust His Word which says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and whom He has called according to His purposes. (I think I got that right.)

I could go on and on, but I think I will stop there. I need to rest a bit and come back later to write a GAPS progress report. I'm tired and falling apart, but there are some good things happening around here and of course more questions than answers. Go figure.

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