September 25, 2009

* Why I Cried Today

I was traveling home from Whole Foods today so I had about 40 minutes to just think and pray. My older kids were at co-op and went to friend’s houses and the baby was with my dad, so I was traveling with my 2 year old. He loves to go places. He is a joy and even since he has become very ill from the vaccine (I realize he was ill to begin with and the vaccine simply pushed him off the edge) he still loves to ride in his car seat, his stroller and in shopping carts. He sits so calm and just takes it all in wherever we go.

I was listening to him talk to himself in the backseat and I started to cry because I miss the eye contact. I miss the connection. I miss the easygoing, go-with-the-flow temperament that has characterized him for 2 years. I told God that I missed my child and that I was grieving the loss of his full potential, then I realized that God knew this was going to happen and that nothing was lost. This is all a part of who this child is and who he is to become. I was grieving what I thought I had lost, but I have lost nothing since he simply is who he is and this is what we have to go through and God is working it all out for our good. I arrived home with a smile.

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